


Only in My Mind

by yamazaki_zakuro



Category: 30歳まで童貞だと魔法使いになれるらしい | 30-sai Made Doutei da to Mahou Tsukai ni Nareru Rashii (TV)
Genre: Lost Love, M/M, Unrequited Love, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:33:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28200207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yamazaki_zakuro/pseuds/yamazaki_zakuro
Summary: What if seven years was too long to wait?A short story.
Relationships: Adachi Kiyoshi/Kurosawa Yuichi
Comments: 14
Kudos: 69





	Only in My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably my first ever fic, inspired by big Ep 11 angst.  
> 

Kurosawa Yuichi slowly buttoned up his dress shirt on a cold and cloudy April morning. There was no grace in his movements. Instead each motion was absent-minded and by all accounts robotic. He looked at his reflection in his bathroom mirror and noticed his eyes were dark and puffy, but it was nothing that some concealer couldn’t hide for a short time.

So long as this day goes by quickly, he thought he might be able to keep anything from showing.

He glanced at the invitation, half-torn on his dining room table.

**_You Are Cordially Invited_ **

**_to the Wedding of_ **

**_Adachi Kiyoshi_ **

**_and…_ **

Kurosawa’s eyes darkened and he slowly finished dressing himself in his pressed black suit

for what felt like a funeral for his dying heart.

* * *

In the pews of the small Tokyo church sat Kurosawa’s coworkers, and who he imagined were those in Adachi’s family. The family he never had the chance to meet.

Kurosawa had imagined making dinner for them on their first meeting. Katsudon. He hoped that Adachi’s mother would recognize that he had made one of Adachi’s favorite foods. He imagined that she would smile and talk with him about cooking and recipes. He pictured Adachi’s father, stern and bug kind, talking with him about high school sports they played when they were younger. He imagined they would talk about plans to all hike in together someday.

But that was only in his mind.

Kurosawa sat down next to Rokkaku, who he heard speak but couldn’t understand the words. He did, however, register when the church went quiet, and everyone turned around.

Walking down the aisle, arm-and-arm with his mother, was Adachi.

He was smiling shyly, blushing and waving at people on each side of the aisle as he came down.

His brown eyes shimmered in the light pouring in from the stained glass windows.

He was _beautiful._

Kurosawa felt a shiver throughout his entire body and clenched his fist to keep his composure. He couldn’t break now, not in front of his coworkers, Adachi’s family…

…Adachi.

Adachi and his mother walked up to the front of the church, where she smiled at him before going to sit with the rest of the family in the pew. At that moment, Adachi stood alone in silence in front of the priest.

Kurosawa had seen this picture before, but much closer than this. He would be standing there right next to Adachi, his eyes locked onto Adachi’s eyes. He would have shared with him the same smile. The same tears. The same life. Forever.

But it was only in his mind.

The things he dreamed of never came true, for he loved and longed so deeply those seven years but never took a step. For all that time, he thought that it would be fine just being a coworker, as long as he could see Adachi smile.

But, deep down, he was greedy. Believing that somehow, things would just work out. That they would be together. That Adachi would see how beautiful he was in Kurosawa’s eyes. That he would love Kurosawa even a fraction of how much Kurosawa loved him. But Kurosawa’s perfect mask, an object of praise and affection from many, concealed his heart and kept him from moving. He never let his love be known, even after seven years. His love that grew from that fateful day when Adachi showed him a small, perfect kindness and touched his lonely heart.

In his mind he imagined they would spend their days together. Reading books on a warm summer afternoon. Holding hands walking through Shinjuku park. Sharing strawberry crepes in Harajuku. Watching fireworks from a rooftop on a cold December night.

But it was only in his mind, and

it was far too late.

Kurosawa’s hand was turning white from clenching, so he tried to close his eyes and breathe out his nerves. He needed to hold himself together just a little longer, then it would all be over. He opened his eyes and saw Adachi looking towards him with a small smile.

Instantly, Kurosawa’s heart went ablaze with adoration and he smiled back warmly.

_But it was too late._

Kurosawa recognized the sound of doors opening behind him. The warmth began to drain from his face.

No.

Adachi’s eyes broke away.

_No._

Music began to play.

A distant voice rang out in the church.

“NO!”

* * *

Tears cascaded down his face, Kurosawa looked around at the bewildered crowd and realized the voice came from deep within himself. A wave of panic overcame him, and he immediately flew out of the main chapel as fast as his legs could take him to hide away in the closest bathroom.

Sliding onto the floor of one of the bathroom stalls, Kurosawa quietly wept.

Seven years of so-called “perfect” and in-control Kurosawa had dissolved in an instant. He had kept up this mask to protect himself from being hurt, but in the end this pain of loss was worse than anything he could have imagined. Not only did he lose Adachi, but now he lost more with his nonsensical outburst. How could he face his coworkers? How can he justify his actions when they looked, by all regards, erratic and out of character? He closed his eyes tightly. How could he ever stand to face _Adachi_? Kurosawa choked back another sob.

After what felt like an eternity, Kurosawa understood that he needed to leave the comfort of the cold bathroom floor and face his new reality. He splashed water onto his face, now unrecognizable in the mirror, breathed out hoarsely, and reached for the bathroom door.

Walking outside, his steps were slow and heavy.

Why did he let himself agonize for seven years? This love that tore him apart but also kept him going. Seven years of yearning, of longing, which he should have buried as soon as he realized it would never come to be. This love that should have dissipated years ago.

But that which time should have faded instead became an entire part of his being. This all-encompassing, overpowering love.

When gravity finally permitted him to lift his head, he saw Adachi standing across the hall. 

Then, he suddenly remembered that nothing else mattered.

Adachi met his eyes and ran over to him.

“Are you ok?” Adachi said, out of breath.

Knowing even now that it was too late, Kurosawa finally let his heart cry out.

“Adachi Kiyoshi, I love you. I have loved you for seven long years. I… I know it’s so late… too late. And I’m so very sorry for this… and everything. I just wanted to tell you that. And that…no matter what I…will always, _always_ love you.”

Adachi looked at Kurosawa and gave him a soft, gentle smile.

“Thank you, Kurosawa Yuichi.”

In his mind, Kurosawa heard those words after giving Adachi a soft kiss on his head before bed. After stroking his hair behind his ears. After placing a ring on his finger.

But it was only in his mind.

* * *

Kurosawa opened his eyes, and as his vision focused he recognized the familiar ceiling of his bedroom. He reached his hands up and wiped his face, wet from tears or sweat or both.

He let out a raspy, pained sigh, sitting up straight to try to return himself to reality, _this_ reality. After rubbing sleep out of his eyes, he looked around his bedroom.

There, across the room, hung a perfectly pressed black suit.

Kurosawa let out a choked, agonizing sob and covered his face from seeing it. The misery and feeling of loss overtook him and he felt himself crumble.

* * *

At that moment, he heard the bathroom door open up and hurried footsteps coming towards him.

Suddenly, there was a warmth surrounding him. The smell of fresh shampoo… or fabric softener.

“Are you ok?”

Kurosawa looked up from his hands and met Adachi’s eyes, which were looking back at him full of concern. Kurosawa, at a loss for words, embraced Adachi tightly and sobbed into his shoulder. He felt Adachi’s fingers tenderly running through his hair and heard him whisper softly in his ear.

“It’s ok, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

Kurosawa lifted himself up off Adachi’s shoulder and looked into his bright, loving eyes. A warmness pooled into Kurosawa’s stomach as Adachi gave him a small smile and gently kissed his brow. Adachi wiped a tear from Kurosawa’s eye before standing up from the bed. He reached out his hands to Kurosawa and grinned, and the surrounding world suddenly became softer and brighter.

“Come on, let’s get ready to go. You wouldn’t want to be late, right?”

Kurosawa blinked, smiled, and nodded. He slid out of bed and walked to the closet to grab the pieces of his suit. He buttoned up his dress shirt and took a glance at the invitation on their dining room table.

**_You Are Cordially Invited_ **

**_to the Wedding of_ **

**_Adachi Kiyoshi_ **

**_and_ **

**_Kurosawa Yuichi_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Big thanks to zscribez for being the best beta and for inspiring this fic with the sad song "Only in My Mind" by Courtney Marie Andrews.


End file.
